Monday, August 27, 2007

Beauty and the Breast

BoobsWomen's breasts of all shapes and sizes continue to dominate the media. Japan's new F-Cup Cookies promise women that they can enlarge their bust size just by consuming two delicious cookies a day. Watch out for those ladies with a sweet tooth or eating disorders that decide to eat the whole package in a single sitting. Bras will be exploding all over Japan with F-Cup Cookie goodness in no time. The FDA is awaiting results and possible hazardous side effects from the human experimentation in Japan before they release those scrumptious F-Cups on the American public. Meanwhile, secret plans are probably afoot by some donut maker (FREE R&D and Marketing tip to Dunkin' Donuts and Krispy Kreme) to come up with a special creme-filled long john or creme horn guaranteed to enlarge the male members of the sweets and pastry persuasion.

But what about those poor dears who already possess impressive cleavage sufficient to distract German bus drivers? Will the clever cleavage conscious Japanese come up with a cookie for them? Doubtful since there's probably not enough Yen in it and you don't see too many small-boobed Anime, Hentai or video game characters running around.

And let's face it, Ladies. F-Cup Cookies would be much more fun than some of the other alternatives under investigation. Take for instance, the brainstorm of some adolescent robotics genius who suggests an internal push-up bra that will use titanium screws into your ribs to hold the silicone undercups in place. Wow, that would make Dr. Frankenstein proud. Considered to be safer and less invasive than standard breast augmentation, the operation has only been successfully performed on pigs. Um, I haven't seen any hot looking boobs on pigs lately so my gut tells me that this one is a bust (pun intended).

If none of these methods of achieving mammary nirvana are for you then I guess you could always try hypnosis. Or... (gasp! what a concept!) learn to be happy in your own skin and stop wasting your time, money and energies on something so shallow and trivial as breast size.

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