Thursday, April 10, 2008


"It has been fated since time immemorial and whispered by the stones and trees prior to the dawning of the age of man that one day Yog-Sothoth shall be reborne, cast in fleshen form, craving of the essence of the living so as to strengthen his true darkness for the coming battle against Xexanoth.

It is rumored that his appearance shall first be harkened by the coming of the throne of discord, ridden upon by the beast which smoulders at length from its face, paired with the hideous she-queen of the acrimonious wailing.

Their power will manifest itself as legion, appearing to millions simultaneously, stunning and immobilizing the masses with their demands for regularly timed worship. From this point hence, three less than half a score the first appearance of the unholy one will make itself known.

He shall come not as one, but as two identical beasts, sharing a singular infernal goal. This second form shall not make itself known immediately, but instead will rear it's fearsome and phallical visage three revolutions hence of the initial manifestation.

Moving to the dissonant beat of secondary instrumentation, his ways will apparently differ from the manners of the masses. Borne from the seat of luxury, his scourge will not truly begin until the happenstance meeting with the ones clad in denym.

And you shall know his wretched power some years after those who ascended prior to his arrival return to feed off the fetid detritus of the prince and his kin."

-- Quachil Uttaus

I present you this quote to serve as warning, for I fear that the arrival of this hideous beast may already have come to pass. Through rigorous study and interpretation, I believe I have been able to divine the clues and determine his true identity.

As was so eloquently stated by Mr. Uttaus, the first signal we have of the arrival of the beast will be the throne of discord being claimed by the smouldering beast coupled with his shrill queen.

What confounded me at first with regards to that statement was the quizzical after statement of this first beast's demand for regular worship. And then after some reflection, the first sign became all too apparent.

In 1971, an American television show called "All in the Family" premiered. It's principal concern was the daily doings of a gruff, yet lovable man named Archie Bunker who was regularly broadcast into our living rooms sitting aloft his favorite chair. Although the chair in question was nothing more than average, Americans quickly found themselves captivated by Archie and his mannerisms. Mannerisms, I might add, that included cigar smoking, all accompanied by the constant screeching of his wife, Edith.

It was from this show that the lives of George and Louise were introduced to us, two enterprising Americans who had worked hard to build a life better than their current means. A life that ultimately afforded them luxuries of which they had never dreamed. A life that found them "movin' on up to the top"; ascending, if you will, to the upper echelons of society.

If we take the clues as written, it should be three less than half a score when the first appearance of the true beast will make itself known. Half a score would be ten years, so three prior to that would place the arrival of the unholy one at 1978.

What I found most shocking was that his arrival was proudly proclaimed with a direct, though distinctly modern translation of the original prophecy.

That translation read:

Now the world don't move to the beat of just one drum
What might be right for, may not be right for some
A man is born, he's a man of means
Then along come the two, they've got nothing but their jeans

And with this terrifying verse we are thrown headlong into the twisted world of Phillip Drummond, a man who ran through three house slaves over the course of his 8 year reign of pain and torment. Mr. Drummond was a wealthy, yet widowed urbanite with the financial means to set forth any nefarious schemes he deemed fit.

His ferocious temper was dampened only by the two young rapscallions that he adopted from the mean streets of Harlem, no doubt to propagate his horrific ideals of conquest in the event that the final events did not unfold.

However, those events DID unfold. For Mr. Drummond was played by a man named Conrad Bain who conveniently had an identical twin named Bonar. It bears mentioning that Bonar himself did make an appearance as an evil twin, Hank Drummond, on SCTV, THREE YEARS after the arrival of Conrad on the American scene.

With all of these events having come to pass, only one piece of the prophecy remained, that of the previous ascenders claiming the scraps that the foul one left behind. Well, I regret to say, that too has come to pass.

Mr. Drummond paid a visit to a young Will Smith in 1996, a man otherwise known as the "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air", with the intention of purchasing the mansion which had formerly been the prince's. Finding himself dissatisfied with the terms he left, only to have the estate purchased almost immediately by George Jefferson. It was with this purchase that the prince's reign came to an abrupt end.

This is all meant to serve as a warning. I cannot prevent the horrific devastation that will undoubtedly soon be wreaked upon this earth, but at the very least I can make its coming apparent to you so that you may take whatever precautionary measures are necessary.

Be concerned. Be prepared. And above all, practice constant vigilance.

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Markoni said...

Whatchu talkin' 'bout, E?

E said...

We must be careful about what words are spoken in this context. Have you ever seen The Evil Dead? Even speaking the words of the Necronomicon bring about doom for all those poor college kids.

What if Conrad heard you?!?!

Cylithria Dubois said...

Carefully written words and warnings. Well Done E - well done indeed.

E said...

Thank you, kindly. :)

I just wish for our readers to be safe. :P

Anonymous said...

you owe me 5 minutes of my life.

E said...

You knew what you were getting into.

Caveat emptor.

camillian said...

Amazing. I had no idea. I am so unprepared for this knowledge. I never liked Mr. Drummond. I just always had a feeling that when the cameras weren't rolling, dark and disturbing things were happening just beyond the top of that sweeping staircase. I would have horrible visions of those poor, orphaned boys being chased down that staircase, half naked, by a ranting, lustfully wild eyed aging white man screaming "COME BACK AND TAKE YOUR MEDICINE YOU DIRTY LITTLE WHORES!!!" But, I guess that was just me and my and overactive imagination.

E said...

See now, I had those same kinds of thoughts, but they made me tingly in my special place.