Wednesday, April 30, 2008

For My Number One Fan

One of the more exciting aspects of writing for Bonez is the fact that over the last year I have managed to amass my own little fanbase. Of course, by fanbase I mean that there are three or four people who do not immediately close the page when they see my frivolous pontifications gracing the banner headline.

But I would be remiss in my duties as chronicler if I neglected to mention the most insidious of all readers, namely "The Number One Fan". I call mine John, as that's what I've been informed its name is.

Learning that there was somebody out there who not only enjoyed my scribblings but ANTICIPATED their arrival was a truly enlightening experience. It means I had crossed the threshold from "Unknown" to "Virtually Unknown", a major step forward towards my ultimate goal of world domination.

Further reflection made me realize that not only was "John" my first and self admitted "Number One Fan", but he might, just might, be the one to ultimately seek out, stalk and destroy me.


But you know what, John? (If I may call you that.) I feel that it might be best if I give you some pointers on how best to develop the disturbing and inappropriate man-crush that will ultimately lead to my downfall and possible execution. This is serious business. Go about stalking me the wrong way and you'll risk losing me. And we don't want that, do we John?

If Hollywood has taught me anything, it's that as a stalker you need to start with innocuous activities. Have fun with the first steps! You haven't begun your gradual decline into madness and full blown obsession yet.

DO: Go out and start purchasing things I talk about. Hey, I wrote about Stinkor, go buy one! That Creepshow flick sounds scary! Go pick it up and invite your friends over to watch while you tell them little bits of trivia you learned from my articles. I seem obsessed with Guitar Hero, go out and get yourself a copy. I find it's best that we begin by imitating our idols.

You'd also do well to start building up an impressive knowledge of trivia and minutiae about my life so that you can both bore and creep out people you come across in your daily life. Some prime examples:

A) I anthropomorphize stuffed animals. As a result I am incapable of throwing them away.
B) I have to check my alarm clock at least three times when I set it.
C) As a result of multiple trips to the Netherlands, I prefer mayonnaise on my fries instead of ketchup.

DO NOT: Try and impress me with YOUR "zany" sense of humor. I write this witty crap as an unpaid semi-professional and don't you forget it! You will not win me over with crazy and over the top behavior meant to mimic my, at times, "odd" humor. So, no sending me yamulkes and asking to have them autographed. No tattooing of my XBox Live gamertag on a halibut. Let's keep it normal, at least for the time being.

Now eventually you'll need to graduate from cute to frightening, but don't worry I'll help you along. Again, it's important that I, as stalkee, do not become overly annoyed or terrified by you, as I may end up involving the authorities. This, again, is not what we want, John.

DO NOT: Get my phone number and start calling me constantly. I mean this. No heavy breathing, no creepy questions that show too much knowledge of my history, no expected direct personal contact.


If you want ANY chance of stealing me away from my home for whatever nefarious and horrifically violent sexual purposes you've devised, you'll do best not to try and get me to speak on the devil box. Seriously.

DO: Start standing outside my bedroom window, staring longingly and unblinkingly up at me. It's okay if you want to openly and loudly sob to attract my attention. Once you have it, liven things up. Pull out an axe and a tube of KY and make references to vague concepts like "love surgery" and "stump pumpin'".

As you begin to cross the final threshold into utter madness, learn to understand me and my motivations. (Remember, this isn't just about you. You can't spell "social deviant with psychopathic tendencies" without "e".)

For instance:

"I don't like it here," translates into "Cut my achilles tendons so I can't escape!"

"Please let me go," ACTUALLY means "I want to be your limbless love toy."

And, of course, "Oh, god! Make the pain stop!" really means, "Dress me up like a Japanese school girl and post photos of me on the internet!"

Beyond these steps, John, it's best to use common sense. Don't come on too strong too quick. But bear in mind that I have been going to the gym lately, so come on quick before I get too strong.

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GeologyJoe said...

Is it a good idea to mock your stalker and give out such good ideas?
Im just askin'.

E said...

I see no mocking here. Merely giving a list of what is appropriate vs. inappropriate. If you're going to stalk, do it properly.

Anonymous said...

What an honor -- especially on the day that I am out (in my assless chaps) looking for the BluRay version of 1978 Dawn of the Dead, since I heard that's your favorite movie. I even bought Shaun of the Dean since it rhymes with it.
I felt so unfaithful last week when I ventured to another's blog and memorized the 99 words for Boobs, but alas, you chimned in with your exhaustive list for the Golden Bozo's -(and your sister even made me feel better about my hairy man boobs - until I clicked on the dreaded MOOBS link and seared the image painfully into my cerebral cortex).
I am back and in full stalking mode - although now sleeping with one eye open after the CENSORED blog.

Lara said...

E, be afraid. Be VERY afraid! Not a day goes by that John doesn't try to get yet another interesting factoid from me about you. I've got that Stinkor doll (excuse me, action figure) sitting on my desk mocking me. He's talking about getting a strange Creepshow tattoo on his back with YOUR head on the platter. Sound familiar? Next thing you know he'll be joining the gym and working out next to you in his a**less chaps. He'd then follow you into the sauna where he'd strip and show you his moobs. He's already figured out where you live and what you drive no thanks to your too informational blogs. Watch your back. That's all I'm saying.

E said...

This is all getting a tad creepy. Perhaps my next entry should be about my love of guns or perhaps 110 different ways to castrate a man with a potato peeler.

I was wondering if "The John" would pick up on my subtle subtext that it was him I was referring to directly.

The fact that I initiated a call to action is even cooler. I will have to use this power to my advantage.

He will do what the voices in my head command him to. Mwa ha ha.

E said...

And there's a lot to be said for assless chaps. They allow for a cooling breeze in the hot Georgia sun.

Bonez said...

Oh no... you guys did NOT just go there! Assless chaps indeed... didn't know there were any other kind but hell, I ain't no cowboy so what would I know? Keep this crap up and I will have to plant more hairy moob picture link bombs on Bonez to beat you back into some form of sensibility.

E said...

I'm tempted to do an entire article on moobs, now.

EuroYank - Virginia Hoge said...

Yes, John has told me all about you, and he is now wearing a thong in preparation and anticipation for the next meeting!

E said...

Wait a minute, John's talking to you, too?!?! He's MY stalker. You can't have him.

(Giant sigh)

Lara said...

I figured that being related to you would give me an "in" on a stalker. Unfortunately, he has NO interest in me. He merely uses me to get more information on YOU. I want a stalker. Maybe his wife will stalk me instead. :)

Anonymous said...

Donna aka "CoolCatMama" will be in Lara's hot tub tonite - in FULL STALK MODE wearing only my borrowed assless chaps.
I'll be home with my Stinkor "Action Figure", playing Guitar Hero using my new guitar which is shaped not unlike a bloody spiked board, kneeling at my ColecoVision shrine, waiting for my assless chaps to return to me.
Wait a minute, "Where's My Cake???"
I have recently gotten a Carly Smithson arm tattoo in hopes that E won't recognize me as I track his every move. Wait a minute, he doesn't watch Idol, you mean I got my whole arm and shoulder tattoed for nothing????

Lara said...

Sweet! I WILL have a stalker! John, I can't believe you're letting her out of the basement, but I guess it IS a Friday. If you think that E watches Idol then you're a TERRIBLE stalker! He flat out wrote about not watching TV. AT ALL. I'm afraid you're going to have that tattoo removed and then redone with all old school video game characters. Now, go watch E on You Tube and reread his old blogs. You're a terrible stalker.

Anonymous said...

I will have to try harder.
In between watching my repetitive viewings of Creepshow, I have been digging in my basement preparing for the eventual total capture of my favorite letter of the alphabet, as he beomes captive there to bear my incestual offspring. Let's see your mother come by there and get your Wendy's order. Muwahahahahahahahaha.
Oooops, Sorry, I got a bit carried away there, I meant to say "You're right, he is not much on TV watching."

E said...

Guys, quiet down, American Idol is on.

/rolls eyes/

Anonymous said...

You talkin' to me?
You talkin' to me?
You talkin' to me?
Then who the hell else are you talkin' to?
You talkin' to me?
Well I'm the only one here Who the f*** do you think you're talking to?"

E said...

I'm not talking, this is entirely text based.
The only one here? Have you looked on the right? Tons of people write here.

Bonez said...

Hate to break up this little e-stalker (oooo, E... e-stalker... I crack myself up, sometimes) love-fest but E could you please stop romancing, pack away your assless chaps, brain eating utensils, damsel mutilation paraphernalia, tattoo design plans and get another thought-provoking and often hilarious Bonez post up in the next few days? I'm thinkin' maybe something to address the growing interest of some Bonez readers have for hairy moobs (I refuse to give that disgusting link again). Oops, would that cause you to sell out to the boobs fever you so defiantly fight against?

I promise to get off my lazy non-posting arse and put down something that will rock the fickle and unforgiving blogosphere soon.

E said...

Moobs are a definite possibility.

Anonymous said...

looks like Creepshow meets Taxi Driver