Wednesday, April 23, 2008

A Quick Little Time Waster

There are some things in life you just can't explain. Take my car, for example. It's a Hyundai, for all intents and purposes a rather ordinary and unassuming vehicle. But something about my little car seems to inspire outright hatred from other motorists. To be completely honest, I can see no rhyme or reason for it either. It's not just anger that is directed at my little vehicle, but downright hatred.

And I don't mean people angry at me, people are angered down to their shriveled black hearts by the very existence of my little automobile.

The first time I ever experienced this malevolence was at a NASCAR event. Yeah, yeah, I know. Getting me to ATTEND a NASCAR event is a story unto itself, and by my measure should hopefully score me a few points in the afterlife for the completely altruistic and selfless act I committed by exposing myself to that particular crowd. But I digress...

After having spent the day surrounded by drunkards watching cars drive quickly (and monotonously) in a circle we made our way back to my car to begin the eternal process of sitting and doing nothing while 100,000 people try to leave a racetrack at once. At one point during the 40 minute wait before our car moved, a rather inebriated gentleman saw my car, stopped and began berating, threatening and inciting it.

"Fuck you, Hyundai, damn Jap car! (It's Korean, for the record.) I'll kick your ass! Come on! Bring it!"

I simply sat and stared, uncertain if I should be amused or terrified. What was I to do if this guy decided to pick a fight with my car? It may be just a small little Korean car, but in a one on one match, I'm gonna have to go with the HUNK OF STEEL over the fleshy meatbag.

Should I honk, or would that just make him jumpy? Would that be considered throwing the first punch? Maybe he assumed my car was a Korean Herbie. Would a menacing rev of the engine frighten him away? If there was a confrontation would I have to testify on my car's behalf?

"Your honor, the entire altercation was precipitated by the aggressive behavior of Mr. Jim-Bob."

Thankfully I never had to put any of these thoughts to the test as he eventually staggered off, no doubt to vomit down the cleavage of whatever Chevy shirt wearin' hot mama he could entice with his 7 teeth and 91 IQ points.

And though I certainly found the event odd, I never thought it would be an occassion I would have to deal with again. Until...

One night I found myself playing XBox over at my sister's house until the wee hours. Around two in the morning I gathered up my stuff and made my way home. Not far from her house I was stopped by a red light. To my left was a mid-80's model Toyota pickup truck.

I heard a commotion coming from their vehicle and turning to look I could see the passenger hanging out the window, gesticulating wildly. I could pick up mumbled bits of threats, but couldn't quite make out the details.

I managed to roll my window down in just enough time to hear him yell, "I'm gonna eat your car!"

I'm sure that the stare I gave him was nothing more than a mouth agape look of incredulity. Eat my car? Did he SERIOUSLY just threaten to EAT my car? How the hell do you respond to that? Was I supposed to give him puppy eyes and scream, "NO! Not my car! Anything but that!" before tearfully begging him to PLEASE not eat my Hyundai? What am I, 8?

Part of me wanted to yell back, "Okay, but you're not leaving until you eat every last bite!"

But of course, being the mild mannered doormat that I am, I just stared at him quizzically until the light turned green and they peeled off, no doubt to threaten other vehicles with gurgitation.

And once more, a couple of months ago I was out with a friend to see a movie. As we're on the way home, yet again a car full of people pull up next to me threatening to kick my car's ass before tearing off into the distance.

I'm seriously beginning to wonder about my car's history.


Markoni said...

What? No mention at all that you have a Flying Spaghetti Monster emblem on the back of your Hyundai? Not a word about how you live in the "bible belt" of a country whose population is second only to Turkey in their disbelief of the theory of evolution? Also don't forget that NASCAR is a religion and GOD talks the way we talk. You and your Jap car obviously need a good ass kickin'.

E said...

Yes, I am aware of the fact that there is a Flying Spaghetti Monster on the back of my car, and no doubt that plays into at least two of the stories. However, "Drunken Redneck Guy ®" approached my car from the front and never saw His Holy Pastaciousness.

Katie Collins said...

You have bad luck with cars, I won't forget the nice christian who ripped the darwin fish of off the back of your car, but left it sitting there so it wouldn't be stealing I presume.