Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Bored Games

I'll let you in on a little secret. I love board games. Shhh... Don't tell anyone, as it might somewhat kill the evil mystique I've created around here. But, truth be told, I love an old-fashioned board game any night of the week. Especially one that I kick ass at. Like Star Wars Trivial Pursuit.

That's right, you heard me, SWTP, quite possibly the greatest game ever made because I have about a 95% chance of DEMOLISHING my competition. Try and tell me that you wouldn't love playing a game that you totally pwn at, go on, try. My knowledge of Star Wars minutiae is so horrifyingly complete that most mortals tremble in fear when I even pull out the box. (And don't you DARE try and play with Vader. Vader's MINE.)

The name of the dude that greets Vader on the second Death Star? Moff Jerjerrod. The three alien species from Jabba's palace named after a phrase from The Day the Earth Stood Still? Klaatu, Barada, Niktu. Who played Darth Vader? Who do you mean? Jake Lloyd, Hayden Christensen, James Earl Jones, Dave Prowse, Bob Anderson or Sebastian Shaw?

I crush so many hopes and dreams with that game that I was once challenged at a party by a group of 7 friends. Friends who got me so drunk I could barely see. And though they bested me, I DID have all my pie pieces before succumbing.

But with any interest there is a darker side. Some of these games that people want to play are downright nefarious. Games like Sorry.

Have you ever played Sorry? Sorry is a game that's all about fucking over everybody you're playing with. It's a game of total infuriation, where you're three seconds from winning the game one minute and in dead last place the next. Sorry is a game that I'm certain has been the impetus of a million fistfights. People are concerned that video games cause violent behavior? One game of Sorry and I'm ready to go unload my MAC-10 in a crowded shopping mall.

Of course, knowing that Sorry can rile me up so quickly only encourages people to challenge me at it. My opponents love that look I get as all-encompassing hatred fills my eyes. I'm sure it's adorable, especially as I'm whaling on my opponent until they're a squidgy mess after taking out my piece on it's way to Home.

Plenty of other games raise my ire as well. Have you ever played the card game "Phase 10"? You might not recognize it by that name. If you've ever played with me, it's the game I call "FUCK THIS GAME!" before launching the deck across the room. Yet another game where your opponents get every opportunity to point and laugh derisively at your streak of bad luck. Let's take a quick look at the scores, hmmmm...... Player 1 has 15, Player 2 has 35, oh...... E has 1,390. Poor guy.

But not all games are so terrible. I'm rather fond of Pictionary, a game that I will readily admit to not knowing the rules to. There probably are very strict and rigorous rules to the game, but you'd never know if you played with me. Here are the rules to Pictionary: I draw a picture. Whoever guesses it draws next. Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

Playing Pictionary with me is like competing in the Special Olympics. Everybody's a winner!!! YAY!!! Who wants McDonald's fries?

I tried playing that Operation game once, but it's far too nerve wracking. I spent the whole time with my hands shaking wondering what the other player would say if they woke up while I was extracting their pancreas.

Some games are just beyond my reasoning. My sister has this old 70's board game called "Stop Thief" that has this little Merlin looking electric doo-dad. I always just end up pissed off because I can't figure out the rules. Really, I only play because I like listening to the electronic thing. Oh yeah, and to rub it in her face every time we play it that I lost one of the plastic detectives when I was 8. Mwa ha ha.

If you're ever bored, swing on by, we can play a quick round of "Future shopping mall killing spree" or "Fuck this game", two of my favorites. :)


GeologyJoe said...

i love sorry.

E said...

I do too, I just have a really bad temper about losing. ;)

Lara said...

Ah HA! You FINALLY admitted to losing my Stop Thief guy. I have never once pulled that game out and not cussed you for this very reason. You always denied it in the past, though. God forbid I ever have four people who want to play at once.

I feel like this piece was written specifically for me since I own and still play all those games (except SWTP, the total nerd game). It's times when I play board games with you that I see that you're an exact carbon copy of dad. I'll never forget the time he violently threw his Phase Ten cards across the room while screaming a non-stop blue streak of "F" words. Granted, my incessant playing of the "skip" cards might have had something to do with that rage. I'm pretty sure that was the very last game he ever played with me. Come on over any time. I'd be glad to kick your butt at Phase Ten or Sorry. Just know that I'll count my playing pieces before you leave. :P

E said...

I know you don't usually follow the links from these articles, but the link on the word "lost" takes you to a site where you can order all of the individual pieces from Stop Thief. Do you want to complete the game again? ;)

Lara said...

No, I don't click on the links because internet is forbidden at work and I know your sense of humor. Good thing because yesterday John told me a Snake link was homoerotic. Hmm, imagine that. I also don't see why I should have to buy the missing dude when YOU obviously "lost" him. I shiver just thinking about what you probably put him through. :(

E said...

There's little doubt he ended up in one of my epic Star Wars figure battles. If it's any consolation, I'm sure he gave his life for the glory of the Empire. All glory to Vader.