Tuesday, July 29, 2008

No, I Will Not Fix Your Computer

Would you call your paleontologist friend up at 9:00 at night just to ask with help differentiating a Cambrian from a Paleozoic trilobite? Would you expect some physicist that you barely know as a third-party acquaintance to drop what they're doing and assist with your kid's homework? Then why would you expect me to come and fix your computer?

Has it ever occurred to you that I spend my entire day working on machines and that JUST MAYBE I would rather not have a pile of them to deal with when I get home? Did it cross your mind that perhaps I like to enjoy some of my free time, just like anybody else?

Have you noticed that stores exist that make a lot of money by helping people out with their problems? Just because I have a little knowledge I should be expected to do it all for free? (Or at least dirt cheap)

Let me say this one more time, a little more clearly. No, I will not fix your computer.

You see, if I agree to come to your place and work on it (or allow you to drop it off at my place), then you make assumptions about our future interactions.

For example, if I work on your machine today, that does not mean that you get a lifetime warranty from me, nor does it mean that I absolutely insist on resolving every issue you ever experience.

"Remember when you installed Office for me in 1997? Well, now Internet Explorer won't start. It must be from something you did."

It isn't.

I know little Jimmy is having a rough go of it, not being able to use his computer. Perhaps he shouldn't have installed Limewire so that he can get all of these infected warez. Fuck, kid, if you're going to pirate, at least do it right.

Good job infecting that thing with over 3,000 different kinds of malware, grayware, spyware, adware, trojans and viruses. Thank god cleaning that shit up is a breeze and guaranteed to maintain stability.

Here you go, Jimmy, I just spent nine hours cleaning it all up for you. What's that, you downloaded "deadly_virus.exe" and ran it? Looks like you hosed your system up again. Let me give you two words of advice.

Fuck you.

Fix your own goddamn problems.

As much as I love sitting down to work on a machine only to see 119 programs loaded in the system tray, I'm gonna have to pass.

Shocking, I know, but I really have no desire to deal with your constant phone calls, asking for this answer or that, demanding your machine be finished and otherwise hassling me while I'm trying to scour your machine for whatever halfway decent porn you might have stashed away.

What? You don't even have GOOD porn? Sigh, why am I even looking at this thing?

Seriously, Jimmy, I don't give one shit about your computer woes. If you would just practice a little common sense, perhaps you wouldn't have clicked the link in the spam that simply read, "Good boner is what she really need".

And, for the love of Christ, do NOT give my phone number out to others. Yeah, there's nothing greater than the late night phone call from the friend of the sister of the aunt of the cousin of the hairdresser of the dog groomer of some dude that was friends with a guy that I bumped into a Burger King back in 1984 asking for computer tips because they heard that I'm "in the know".

I can appreciate that you're a neophyte. I'm the same way when I have to take my car to a mechanic. You see, Jimmy, I can call my mechanic friends and ask them those kinds of questions because I can barter with them. I'll fix their computer if they can help me with my car. You, being a teenager, have little to nothing of value to me. Ooooh, you'll give me a bunch of mp3's from My Bloody Valentine and Jimmy Eat World if I help you? How can I say no to that?!?!

I'm not trying to be an asshole here, Jimmy. If you had a marketable or useful skill, you'd understand. But I've noticed that you seem to have difficulty tying your shoes without drooling all over your hands.

You're an idiot, Jimmy. Plain and simple. Quit asking me for help.


Carol Davidson said...

I hope in ten years Jimmy doesn't grow up to be the paramedic who gets the 911 call when you stroke out from stress.

Having said that... nice rant.

E said...


The good news is, I tend to be quiet about things and just let the stress build and build and build. The likelihood of that coming back to bite me is slim to none. ;)

Mrs. Hall said...

I can totally relate! I am a nurse. Complete strangers and family members alike will seek me out day and night for their health care needs.

They will ask anything, nothing is private all of the sudden. For instance, just yesterday someone asked me what I think of the latest surgery for prostate cancer.

I am psychiatric nurse fer crying out loud!

But when I explain this, it is then the mental difficulties they may be experiencing come flying out. Which is fine. Except I don't care because they aren't my patients.

So I tell them to seek out professional help and establish strong boundries with the person whom I just met and just revealed a horrible story of child abuse.

I think I am going to start telling people I work the water massage table at the mall.

That'll fix it!


Mrs. Hall

E said...

I hear you. From this point forward, I'm telling people I do sewage treatment management. That should stop the late night calls. ;)

IndyGirl500 said...

Although I cannot claim to have anywhere near your knowledge, I know what you are saying. I have this one friend who can't even maneuver inside Windows and is continually asking me to help him. What an idiot. Why doesn't he take the time to learn the basic concept of his OS? Cause it's easier to bitch and moan and yell for me to help him with the GD computer. Some people are just that way. Ignoramous.

E said...

It's a bit of a double-edged sword. I once made it a mission to try and force basic knowledge on the people who continually run to me for assistance. Ultimately I just ended up creating a race of dangerous users who knew a little too much for their own good and ended up cocky. There's nothing worse than someone who knows enough to do real damage but no idea how to fix it.

In retrospect, I must have been in a pretty bad mood when I wrote this one. :)