Sunday, May 22, 2011

CDC Approved Zombie Apocalypse Kickin' Up Mud

Playboy puts fifty-seven years of hot naked women online at outrageous prices. Playboy will provide every page of every issue since it began in 1953. The catch is that they are offering it only as a subscription service for eight dollars a month, $60 per year and $100 for two years. Really? I mean, I realize there are over 130,000 pages of Playboy goodness there but who would pay that much money? Heck, who knows how many real pages of just pictures of the famous Playboy women there are. I'll bet over 50% of those 130,000 pages don't even have any naked women on them. What a waste of disk space and bandwidth ... I mean, from the subscribers' perspective, which I am not one. Just sayin'. Okay, so it's optimized for the iPad ... big whoop.

Well, it's official. The Center for Disease Control (CDC) posted the official guidelines for preparation for and surviving the impending Zombie Apocalypse that Bonez writers have long foretold. I think the CDC should consult E as it appears they have some of their zombie behavior "facts" a little askew. I am still confused on the ones that eat brains and the ones that just eat human flesh. Which ones are the shamblers and which ones are the cognitive ones who can actually talk and run? It seems to me the information is not nearly sufficient and the CDC should invest in hiring some real zombie experts like E to get the facts straight and thereby maybe ... just maybe saving a few more lives. There is still a lot of good advice, though. For instance, under the emergency plans section, number four, 'Plan your evacuation route' says, "When zombies are hungry they won’t stop until they get food (i.e., brains), which means you need to get out of town fast! Plan where you would go and multiple routes you would take ahead of time so that the flesh eaters don’t have a chance!" Wait, aren't zombies always hungry? And exactly WHY are they hungry? They're effin' DEAD, for goodness sake. Why would a dead and putrefying mindless corpse need sustenance at all? Okay, these are deeper questions than I am not trained to answer so I hope E will respond and shed some light on this matter.

Further proof the zombie apocalypse is looming in our near future is the fact that companies are building zombie-proof structures to protect the lucky few from the insatiable zombie hordes. Not only are these underground bunkers zombie-proof but they are even luxurious by most survivalist standards. You can get into the cheap ones at about $25,000.00 per person which sounds pretty damn cheap when you consider that alternative of becoming zombie food and/or a zombie yourself. I guess these shelters are the next logical step to the old skool fallout and tornado shelters I grew up with. These concrete and steel reinforced underground mansions may provide the answer to the survival of our species and I am looking for the nearest one to give my twenty-five grand to hold my reservation. Wonder if I can pick my room colors and carpet pattern ... To celebrate the embarrassing "I told ya' so" moment for a select few zealot evangelical fundamentalist Christian followers of the two-time prophetic loser, Harold Camping, I leave this post with a masterful mash-up rendition of Blondie's Debbie Harry and the Doors entitled "Rapture Riders". Apropos, don't ya' think? Not very Christian of them to be so eager to rise up to meet Jesus while thumbing their noses at the remaining six billion plus souls who were to die horribly. People killed by an egotistical, jealous God ... doesn't that amount to infanticide against his own spirit children of Earth? Guess his commandments don't apply to him. Guess you can break the rules if you make them. Still, that does not warrant the Campingites belligerent sanctimonious holier than thou judgmental bullshit behavior against the rest of humanity. Shame Shame Shame. ἐδάκρυσεν ὁ Ἰησοῦς Jesus wept.

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